Daily Archives: September 7, 2011

Not Moving in Together

(Photo source)

These are my personal opinions and what works for me. In no way do I think they are superior to others’ opinions, nor do I think what works for me will work for everyone, else. I am not judging anyone who has different opinions than me. I just wanted to share my thoughts on this topic as it has been on my mind for quite some time.

My BF is finally moving out of the frat house he’s shared with his college room mates for the last couple of years. His room mates have moved on, and ready to get places of their own or move in with their significant others. The thought of moving in together has no doubt crossed my mind, and BF and I have discussed living together . Of course, it’s a really big step. For us, we’d like to wait until we are “practically” married before crossing that road of our lives.

“Why don’t you just move in together?”

When people (co-workers, or some friends) find out that BF is moving out on his own, into his own pad and I am staying in mine, I get many shocked looks, with the above mentioned question. And maybe I am being sensitive, but it often felt like a “judge-y” question.

I felt like it’s an intrusive question, as if they were questioning my judgement as if our decision was not “normal”. Like it’s expected that all couples just move in together.

Maybe I am being extra sensitive here, but it’s a really personal decision and I don’t think it’s just something that’s expected. At the end of the day, it is a personal decision between the two people who are actually involved.

Learning to Live Together

I know many couples “test drive” living together before marriage to see how/if things work. Even though I was a firm believer of this (when I lived with ex), I’m now a believer in “just making it work”. Learning to live together that is.

I now believe that living together is not so much about “testing it out”, as it is “learning to live together.” To me, living together is about supporting one another, sharing (almost) everything, lots of compromising and, of course, accepting one another. Sometimes, it’s about changing a bit about yourself to accommodate your partner.
(Note: I know many couples fall into this category as opposed to the “test drive” category. Again, these are just observations from my experience).

I mean, look at my parents. They have been married 30 years and they never lived together before marriage. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I truly believe it’s more about making it work than seeing if it works.

I’ve Done it Before

Lived with a significant other, that is. And that experience is one of the main reasons why I don’t want to do it this time.

BF knows this.

I lived with an ex before and even though it was fun and exciting at first, it wore off quickly. I was also young and naive, and just assumed that by living together – everything will remain great. Which, obviously was not the case.

Living together was not the reason we broke up, but after the break-up I decided that living together before marriage wasn’t as important as I once thought that it was. I believe that relationships can work out great whether a couple lives together before marriage or not.

The Math

Of course, the PF side of me knows that the math is in favour of moving in together (usually) – for splitting rent anyway. But, as we all know, relationships are more complicated than numbers, and that should never the be driving factor of such a big life decision. What LC wrote in her Relationships and Money post really rung a bell with me.

My debt is my own. New guy’s debt will be his. And I probably won’t even move in with a guy again, unless there is a ring on my finger. That might sound bitter but part of becoming a more financially-sound woman is being smart with every dollar I have. I hope to attract a partner with similar spending behaviours and financial goals and not one who could eventually pull me back into my old patterns…

Other Personal Reasons

Can I add that even though I love spending time with BF, I also like my down time. My down time can involve cooking, cleaning, reading or blogging. I find it therapeutic. And I’m sure that BF likes his bed to himself once in a while – I’ve seen him sprawled across it when I leave for work ;)!

This might sound silly, but I like having dates with BF. Even if it’s just hanging out and watching a movie, cooking food, or going out for dinner – I like making plans and looking forward to them.

Another reason is that my parents would most likely freak out if we moved in together. They are pretty conservative and I can’t imagine their reaction and disapproval. I also agree with some of the reasons my parents have.

I think that’s it!

Readers, what are your thoughts on co-habition? Would you move in before marriage? And if you already live with your significant other, what are thoughts? I’d love to hear them!

P.S. Am I being too sensitive and taking (perhaps well meaning) questions the wrong way?



Filed under Personal